February 7, 2017
I have to apologize, once again, for not posting more frequently. I have so many drafts. Some are ready to post, but I do not have a picture yet. Not having a photo for my “photo links” on my Topic Intro Pages, stopped me once before. I decided to simply simplify them for now, so I could keep the site organized and operational.
I began this site in hopes of generating an income. Soon, I decided to throw that whole idea out the window, for now. There has to be a better way. My intentions were to not have this site to be full of advertisements. Well, that seems to be where the money is, so I’m opting out right now. While doing research for my posts, I come across so many sites that have good information. They have one major flaw, “I can’t navigate the site”. They feed you tid-bits of information, that is often hard to figure out how to continue on, without getting redirected by an advertisement. The info isn’t that good.
WWW
The internet is like a sea of garbage, with most of the “rules” thrown out the window. So many broken links, ads, ads, and more ads, 100 different prices for the exact same product, misleading information, false information, one opinion after another and hard not to be offended or offensive. Don’t get me wrong, I love the internet, I just don’t like all the BS. I also know that the ads, are what make the world wide web (WWW) go round and round.
The WWW has also put some rules in place that I personally do not like. They make me do certain things a certain way. For instance, I should only have about 300 words per heading. My paragraphs should only be about 150 words each. I can not have three or more consecutive sentences in a row that start with the same word. If I violate any of these “rules” my site is penalized for it. Search engines will keep me buried in the sea of garbage. No one personally looks over a site, that would be impossible to do. However, I think there could be a better way.
A website should have a score, if the site owner disputes that score, the site owner can pay a small fee to have it reviewed. Even better yet, give visitors an option of checking a websites score and if they feel it is too high or low, they can also pay a small fee to have it reviewed. I would quickly switch to a browser that would skim off some of the garbage, if there was such an option.
My Heart Just Isn’t In It
I just haven had the heart to create posts that can leave my personal feelings out of. My personal feelings are pretty much all that has been on my mind. I’m heartbroken, no not again, still. I have been in love with a man who simply doesn’t love me for many years. I’m trying to move on, I need to move on. I’m not a complete idiot, just a fool when it comes to affairs of the heart.
Spending time with him actually helps me heal. Nearly every day I have to stop and remind myself, that he will never love me the way I love him. Even days I haven’t seen him. I honestly believe spending time around him helps me to get over him quicker. If I could just sit down and talk with him it would be even quicker, but he’s not willing to do this.
We broke up nearly 3 years ago, were apart for just over a year, then became FWB (exclusive B). Neither of us were seeing other people. Well, nearly 4 months ago, I received a text telling me he wanted to start seeing someone else and see where it may go. He had kind of given me the impression, he didn’t want to ever be in a relationship with anyone, so I was kind of thrown for a loop. It hit me really hard.
Here I GO Again
I thought to myself, “she must be something pretty special for him to want to be in a relationship with her”. I was actually kind of happy for him, I love him, so I want him to be happy. In reality, it was probably more of an instance of, he was attracted to her. She was new and exciting. He obviously didn’t love me, so why shouldn’t he enjoy the things a new relationship has to offer?
I Knew what I was doing, I didn’t expect anything more in return than he was willing to give. I just wanted to spend time with this extraordinarily special man. It was great and I was happy for a while. Until I got lost and knew it. Bending too many of my own rules, was a big mistake. If I hadn’t, I may have never allowed myself to love this man with all of my heart. Who knows, he may have actually loved who I really was, but could sense I wasn’t myself. That alone is enough to destroy even a good relationship.
A casual relationship really wasn’t my style. never has been, never will be. To allow it, was truly unlike me. I began to lose respect for myself. If I have little respect for myself, how can anyone else respect me? I just love him so very much. I can almost understand why some women stay in an abusive relationship. NO, he was never abusive, note that I said “almost” understand. He was nothing but kind, he just didn’t love me the way I love him.
I started making exceptions for him. The big one, the one I keep kicking myself in the behind for, was communication. He wasn’t one to communicate things openly and honestly. He has his reasons, but I have to disagree with some of them. If your in a relationship, any relationship, including a working one, you have to communicate. I began to notice that he actually had a different way of communication than most. This is where I screwed up.
What If
I am having a hard time with this one. All those what ifs running around in my head. When we first met, we communicated a lot. We got along so good with one another. He told me about what his tendencies were, some of his likes and dislikes and I took a few of them to heart and I wish I hadn’t. It took me quite some time to figure him out. He’s a very complex man, which I believe is what I was attracted to most. He’s one of those men I was not attracted to at first site (in person). It took me about 10 minutes of being with him, when his charisma kicked in. By the end of the day, I was smitten and couldn’t wait to see him again. That first kiss was incredible!
I keep wondering, what if. What if I didn’t take the things he said to heart? What if I hadn’t made exceptions or bent the rules for him? Where would I be now? I honestly do not know. I doubt I would be here though. They say, “everything happens for a reason”, but I prefer, “there is a reason for everything”. I’m here because of the choices I have made. I had my reasons. If everything happens for a reason, I’d have to believe that I’m heartbroken because of it. No, it’s because of the choices I made.
New Series Of Posts
I’m going to apologize now to those of you who really don’t give a hoot about my broken heart. It’s all I can muster up right now. Some of the entries will be posts, maybe a page to keep it organized and some will be in my personal blog. Don’y forget, you can always check the posts to this website by clicking Main Menu and Navigation, found under the Home tab, then click on the submit button. This will show all entries to the site. The Blog-Recent Posts tab, does not show pages when I add them.
As I heal and begin to get a hold of a better perspective on things, I may even post some of those drafts I need to finish up. I really want to quit smoking, it’s been a bad habit for nearly 40 years and it’s time, well almost time. I’ll create a new string of posts when I tackle this one. Maybe we can quit together and support one another, if your in the same boat as I am.
Please keep in mind my background. I’ll refresh you a bit.
In A Nutshell
- I’m over 50
- Single and was married for nearly 20 years before I became single again.
- Still fairly attractive
- On disability because of medical issues stemming from a neck injury in 2008
- I have 4 children, which 3 are now adults
- I barely make ends meet and I do have to work part time in order to take care of my family
- I’m in an area over 200 miles from home, I have no “real friends” down here
- I am in love with a man that doesn’t love me back and we work together
- My ex-husband is a selfish SOB and I”m okay with that…..because he’s my ex and over 200 miles away from me. Met the man I love the day before the divorce was final in 2011, moved in with him 2 months later. I had virtually nothing after the divorce and was living somewhere I did not want to live, but was thankful for the roof over my head. (No, the man I love was not a rebound. My heart was free and completely open to loving again….I was ready.)
- Lost both my mom and step dad nearly a year ago. Lost my dad in 1991, shortly after I got married to the father of my children.
- I Love my job and wish I could do it on a full time basis, but I just can’t. My body says no way!
- I’m creative and insightful and love creating stuff
- I have always lived on a shoestring budget and it’s never really set well with me. Mainly because I can not do the things I want to do for other people in my life.
Change Isn’t What I Need
I’m not broken, I’m brokenhearted. I’m not going to change a thing about me, that I do not want to change. There are a few areas that need some work. I need to stick to my guns. I need to make no exceptions and quit bending my own rules. I’ll never be happy, never be able to love again and never allow myself to just be fine being me, if I do not do this. I’m actually kind of excited about it and I’m very optimistic about the outcome. It will be a lot of work, but I think I’m worth it.
It’s time to make a List. I need to write down my rules, so I won’t forget them. I believe I can also make of list of things I’ll watch out for as well, so I do not find myself in this same situation or keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.
Who knows, maybe one day I can compile all the bits of information about myself, found in this website and put it into a book. I hope it will have a happy ending. (If you happen to steal my story, the least you can do is flip me a nice kickback.) My information on this site is copyrighted, so if I find out, I will pursue appropriate measures.
For Me
The Change I do need right now is a hair cut. Haven’t had one in years, except what I have done myself. I’m doing that today. I’m pretty nervous about it. I bought some semi-permanent hair color and tried it out and love it. I’m getting quite gray and could not longer view it as natural highlights to my already blonde hair. I may do something permanent if I find a shade I really like on me or if I get sick of doing it every other week….lol I’m doing this for myself and no one else. My self esteem is kind of in the toilet right now, so I’m working on that too.
A Need To Communicate
I’ve been bottled up for so long, I just have to dump this crap rolling around in my head or I’m going to implode. Well, it isn’t crap, not to me anyway. It’s obviously important stuff or it would not be haunting me, building up and causing me so much distress. Why I am putting it all out here publicly? I’m not completely sure. I think it has something to do with my incredible need to communicate and just maybe, I will say something or do something that will help someone else out. I’m really lonely and this site makes me feel not quite so alone.
I’ll boost this website some day, it’s just not ready quite yet. Before I do, I may just move all the personal stuff to it’s own unique website. So if your following me now, thanks, I appreciate it. You also have a pretty good seat for the show.