Not Exactly the Month I’d Hoped For
-We all tend to make plans now and then and hope that everything will go as planned. Some times, even the best laid plans can fall apart. I wanted to have around 12 new posts and create four to five new sub-topic pages. It was a realistic goal that could have been met quite easily, if life didn’t have other plans for my time and energy.
If you read my post Life Happens you may already have a clue as to what got in the way of reaching the goals I had set for the month of September. I hadn’t been sick in years and had never even considered that as a factor that could throw me off course. I also had a crisis with my teenage daughter that needed my attention and it consumed my time and thoughts. To protect her privacy I will not go in to details. I’d really like to, because I’m finding it to be a difficult situation to deal with and would love to be able to share it with other’s that may also be dealing with a situation similar to this. I’m feeling terribly alone and as a mom that loves her children more than anything, I can’t help but place blame on my circumstances and myself for her issues. I beat myself up over and over for not being able to come up with a solution to change the current circumstances in which we live. It just seems as though I am always stuck between some kind of rock and a hard place and it’s getting real old. I fear that if at some point real soon, if things do not improve, my kids will find it harder and harder to have hopes and dreams of their own, for a better life than what I have had. They have seen first hand how hard I have worked to accomplish so many different things, only to have it stripped away because of the actions of other people. They have seen that I try to keep a stiff upper lip, keep a positive attitude about it all, shrug it off and continue to push forward. They can also see how heart breaking it is, no matter how hard I try to hide it from them. After all, they are also affected by these circumstances I have no control over. How is a child suppose to be hopeful, have a positive attitude and have dreams, when all they see is the actions of other people ripping your efforts, hopes and dreams all apart?
Help?
I’m not one to ask for help, I have a really hard time accepting that I need help. I see people ask for help and I’ve seen people recognize when people can use some help and ask for it on their behalf or take it upon themselves to do something, but I honestly find it nearly impossible to ask for help for myself. I am so happy for those who receive help when needed, because I understand how much of a relief it must be for those who receive the help they need. I believe I keep these possibilities as a last resort in the back of my mind, as a plan B if I fail. Keeps things a little less hopeless for me. I’m beginning to think that I’m not recognizing that I have already failed and just can’t accept it. How on earth does one know when to accept failure? When is it time to swallow your pride and ask for some help? If I had asked for help years ago, I can’t help to think that circumstances would be so much better than they are now. I needed help so badly, but couldn’t ask. I always try to handle things on my own first and foremost.
I feel like I’m digging myself a hole on the shoreline. When the tide is low I appear to be making progress and can begin to visualize accomplishing what I have set out to do. Then the tide begins to rise and my hole fills up with watery sand. I can usually keep digging and bailing out the water fast enough to keep it from completely disappearing, as if there were never a hole, of any kind, at any time, along this shore. By not asking for help am I just prolonging the inevitable? I’m never going to be able to dig a hole along the shore line. I can’t give up, I can’t stop digging, I can’t move to higher ground, so I’ll keep trying. I simply don’t know what else to do, because giving up is not something I will ever do. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Do you know how it feels to have your teenage son explain how taking back all the pop bottles in the house will still leave him a little short for the $10.00 admission for the homecoming dance and is hoping I can cover the rest? That right there should be a good indication I need to ask for help and that I am failing to provide for my family. Am I failing to see how my determination and inability to accept defeat is causing my kids to pay a price that is much higher than I realize? I honestly do not know what to do. A little advise or insight would be greatly appreciated. When hard work and perseverance don’t seem to pay off, what is the alternative?
Monthly Goals-October
I’m not going to set goals for the month of October. I’m going to roll with it and see where it goes. I’m going to address the needs of my daughter first and foremost and I have no idea what it is going to require. I know it’s going to take my time away from things on different levels, so making plans and setting goals would be foolish. The only plans and goals I must accomplish is seeing she gets the attention she needs and nothing else matters, other than the health and well being of all my children. By not reaching my goals set for September, it was just added stress that I simply do not need to inflict upon myself.
I will post when I am able. I will continue taking the steps I need to keep my head above water. I will try to stay focused, strong and positive. I know this month is going to be filled with many ups and downs and I’m prepared to accept what life has in store for me. I’m already trying to accept that the holidays are fast approaching and it’s going to be very hard to deal with once again. It seems every year it’s the same thing and I should be use to it, but it never seems to be any easier to accept that life has not improved as I had hoped it would. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe next year I will have a stroke of luck or make a choice that will actually take me a few steps forward and no one or no circumstance will push me backwards. I’ve learned not to count on anyone or any thing for anything. I have realized that it is only I, that I can count on to get up each morning and make the most of each day as it is given to me. I’m not dreaming of the impossible as so many tend to do, yet it has eluded me so far. I know with all my heart and soul that I can some how come up with a way to make ends meet, it’s just going to take a little more time. With each small accomplishment, it too will have it’s own set of challenges and as I overcome each of those, another may be waiting just around the corner. With every challenge and obstacle I overcome, it will prepare me for the next, making me stronger and more determined to never give up.
Revision For Monthly Update-August
When I viewed the Today Show link I placed in my Monthly Update-August, I noticed that the ad that ran before you could view the video had been removed. Not quite sure why they decided to remove the ad or even if it will be replaced with another ad at some point down the road, but I felt I should correct the comment regarding “Make note of the short ad that runs before you can view the report.” It was there when I placed the link, but has since been removed.