January 15, 2016
– I have to admit, I was feeling a bit better than usual and my energy levels even increased a little, when I was entertaining the possibilities of winning even a small piece of that powerball jackpot. As soon as I was certain that it wasn’t going to happen, my anxiety was right back to normal….extremely high….not any worse, just back to tightening of the throat, increased tremors, that feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion of wondering how on earth I can do it all, with the way things are now.
I’m not going to fall apart, just because I took a few days to imagine what it would be like to have less worry in my life and now my dreams are shattered. I’m not delusional. I could see what just a bit of hope can do for your perspective though. I know things will soon fall into place and I can see realistic results beginning to form. I’m just a bit impatient at times and know it’s nothing that will come about quickly. I know what my life is like and will have the fear of not being able to do as I have planned, until I am actually able to do it. Murphy’s Law tends to play quite a big roll in my life it seems. Keeps me on my toes though. At this age, it is also getting old and my toes are tired.
I was thinking this evening and had a rather disturbing thought. I have to wonder if there is any such thing a “normal”, when it comes to human behavior. It’s a bit hard to explain the way my stupid mind works at times. I was thinking about my flaws and faults, such as the strong desire to do the best that I can do, when I set out to do something.
For instance, as a waitress, I’d look carefully at the food I was serving and the cooks use to hate that I would do this. If something wasn’t right, I’d say something or fix it myself before taking it to my customer. If I would screw up and forget something and the customer never said anything, I’d beat myself up for it, when I’d remember it myself and it was too late to fix it. I specifically remember going to sleep one night after work, as I was drifting off, I remembered I had given someone ranch dressing with their salad and they asked for blue cheese. I felt terrible for messing it up. I had served well over 100 people that night, why on earth should this have bothered me so much? I’m not sure, perhaps I’m a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe it’s because I know how much I enjoy a nice toss salad with my favorite dressing, I could feel the disappointment the customer may have had, when they settled for ranch and it was all my fault. I’m really beginning to believe there may be something to the whole Empath thing, I have recently discovered this about myself, as a good explanation for why I am the way I am.
I’m mostly only a perfectionist for my own perfection and what I personally feel is perfect. I’m sure someone can do it better and I’m fine with that. If it’s not the best I can do, I’m not okay with that. I’m extremely misunderstood by many and people take it personally when it really has nothing to do with them at all, as far as I’m concerned. Do they direct the anger they have with their own actions and choices at me, because they see it could have been done better on their end and they chose not to do it or didn’t even see it in the first place? If I’m working in conjunction with other people, I’d like it to be what I personally feel is the best that we can do. For example, when doing corporate audio visual work, I would fix the skirting of some other company’s work, if they hadn’t taken the time to do it themselves and were no longer around. It’s just a detail, that in my eyes, makes a big difference. If I had the free time to do it, I’d just have to do it or I’d keep feeling I should have done it. There is no logical reason for not doing it, other than being too selfish. The whole, “it’s not my job” mentality or the “well, no body told me to” excuse, just don’t sit well with me. I really don’t give a rat’s patootie that you don’t care about details, it don’t make me any better than you, in any way. All it means, is it matters to me. Why do people have to get ticked off or take advantage of me, just because I feel I need to do the best I can do and try to make things the best they can be as,… I see it? We all have flaws and this is one of mine. So normal, is having flaws, there is no perfect person and that should be the norm and it’s not. If normal is having flaws, then why do people declare you are not normal if you have a flaw? It’s because normal is only as one perceives it, so there is really no such thing, as a normal person. I know, you are probably thinking I’m a bit nuts too, but I assure you I’m not,….I don’t believe I’m normal though either….grin
I’m hoping to get a lot done this weekend, I need to tie up so many loose ends. Little tid bits of this and that need to be taken care of. I will feel like I’ve done nothing at all, but I will have a better handle on things and I need to do that. Oh, I didn’t mention it yet, but I’m having my first colonoscopy on Wednesday…..can hardly wait…… to get it all behind me. hehe It’s just routine, there is a family history, so have to make sure all is good.